Virtual Daddy Talk

Kenneth Braswell Speaks At Dads of Destiny Conference in Jackson, Missis...

2011-04-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

Being Obedient to My Calling and Destiny: Seeing the Hand Prints on the wall!

2010-06-30T09:37:00.000-07:00

By Kenneth Braswell

"The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands." Psalm 138:8

I started out this month being obedient to the task of starting each day with an inspiration for fathers. I called it “30 Daddy Dayz of Inspiration.” It was my hope and desire that I would change one thought, one person, one outcome in a child’s life with regards to their father. I don’t know if that happen. It matters, but it doesn’t, because I was obedient to my calling and work.

Throughout the month I was encouraged, challenged and chastised. Comments and messages ranging from, “thank you for focusing on fathers,” to “mother’s need inspiration too.” With each encounter I responded in the manner to which God would have me. Explaining when I could, encouraging when it was necessary and dismissing ignorance when I needed. At the end of the day, the 30 Daddy Dayz did exactly what God intended it to do.

Tomorrow I will move on to another task; not sure what yet, but I will find a way to continue to motivate and inspire us to be better individuals, look out for your fellow friend and being the best you, you can be.

However, I am clear in understanding that this issue of fatherlessness is a critical work that must continue to be done. I’ve spent the last month speaking, training and presenting around the country. I even got a chance to take my family to D.C. to see President Obama speak about fatherhood. I got a chance to spend my favorite day (Fathers Day) of the year doing exactly what I wanted to do; nothing! I spoke at my church and two historically Black Colleges (Hampton and Howard). Yes, I’m tired; yet inspired to do more. Yes, I’m nervous about the path, but faithful about the destiny. Yes, I wish there were fewer obstacles, but thankful for the lessons I learn as a result.

The task of ensuring that ALL children have access and positive encounters with their biological fathers is an admirable one. Yet as honorable as it may be, it is still highly questioned and criticized; in some circles even condemned. The one thing that I’ve learned in doing this work, it’s that, what adults think, “DOESN’T MATTER.”All children desire, need and have right to the relationship of their fathers. Our only obligation is to make better choices about the people we become parents with; or once that is already done, finding a way to put yourself aside for the sake of your child’s complete well-being (where possible and safe). If you don’t believe that; ask the child inside of you!

I was stuck the other day; after seeing a poem of a Father’s Day card for the children of their daycare.

I miss you when we’re not together
I’m growing up so fast
See how big I’ve gotten
Since you saw me last
As I grow, I’ll change a lot
The years will fly right by.
You’ll wonder how I grew so quick
When, Where and Why
So look upon my handprints
that’s hanging on your wall.
and the memories will come back of me
when I was very small.

If this doesn’t speak to your heart; nothing will! The work of strengthening families will continue and as long as God focuses me on Men and Fathers, that is where my efforts and attention will be. I understand that the work of healing minds, hearts and souls must be done as well; I’m ready to do that also. I often tell folks when I’m speaking that I’m not just the president, but a client as well. This work shadows my own life, through my own relationship with my children, to my relationship with my own father. None of this stuff is lost, but found in the struggles and anxieties my own life. One to which I work to be better at each day. I thank GOD making me, who I am to my children, however thank my children for making me, who I am to GOD.

I know this stuff may be overload to some of you in conflict about your own Father relationships and the validity of the work. I can only say, again; ask the child in you.
Thank you all for your support of my work and the work of many others in the field of responsible fatherhood and healthy family development. Thank you to my family, friends and church family and Empire Christian Center. I need you; as much if not more than you might need me. Please visit the facebood fan page of Fathers Incorporated often.

God Bless You.

Suppressing and Expressing the Agonizing Pain of Father Impact

2010-06-24T16:34:00.000-07:00

BY KENNETH BRASWELL (www.kennethbraswell.com)

I watched Orpah today as she remembered and paid tribute to Michael Jackson. Many of the aspects of her tribute touched me; yet, none more than the segment where they talked about Joe Jackson; Michael’s father. The segment was agonizing for me; because through his experience; I saw mine. His uncomfortable stance made me uncomfortable; because like him, I don’t know how to departmentalize my feelings for my father.

When Michael spoke of him, you could not help but cry out; both inside and out for him. I did; in fact I dropped tears for the both of us. His life was riveting in and of itself; yet add on the element of his personal struggles and his success becomes even more intriguing. Often times we get caught up in the oddities of celebrity life. Their life styles at times seem different and out of reach. Then there are times when the normalcy of their lives emerges for all of us to see and interpret. Michael’s life reiterates that fatherlessness/father dysfunction is an overwhelming problem in our communities. We also see that the impact of inadequate father presence can be just a devastating to a child as father absence.

When my father died; I buried a man I hardly new. That event and situation I can never reconcile. But in reflection of Michael’s life; in particular; I have to ask myself the question; “what must it be like to simultaneously have the same man be equally responsible for both your success and pain?” Oprah asked the question; “whether or not he was angry at his father (Joe);” he paused. For that very moment, I pondered about the same pause I make before talking about my father. I saw in Michael’s eyes a lifetime of experiences pass through his mind. His response; Yes! I felt the relief in his voice as he embraced the courage to express his own manhood by communicating his disappointment in his father. However, he immediately gave the power back by ending; “please don’t be mad at me.” Thus, I saw and felt the contradictions, struggles, conflicts and confusion a father’s impact can permanently have on your psyche. A man who in his own words, “he still wanted to know.”

I don’t know where I’m going with this conversation; other than to know, I’m filled with a tremendous amount of emotion after seeing that reflection. I had to find a way to release it; and crying and writing is my way.

Over the past several years I’ve listened to the stories of thousands of men. Each story has impacted my life in a way that both infuriates and motivates me simultaneously. I’ve also personally had the chance to talk to people like Kirk Franklin, John Amos and Daryl Strawberry; who all shared with me varying degrees of father impact. Our Hip Hop music is laced with painful stories for father absence from Jay-Z to Tupac, from LL Cool Jay to Biggie. These high profile stories only re-emphasize and highlight the limitless boundaries of fatherlessness and negative father involvement.

Lastly, we watched the tormented life and tragic death of Gary Coleman. People forget the dysfunctional relationship he had with both his parents. Without question, it had a horrible impact on his life and contributed to his inability to trust people. Just when I think I don’t have any more tears to give; I hear or see a story that squeezes me for more. However, I know this about myself. When I talk, it’s God speaking through me. When I cry; it’s God speaking to me.

I pray that I never lose the ability to be empathic to another man, woman or child’s fatherless experience. I also pray that GOD continues to use my life as a tool to elevate the conversation of father absence and that I never back down on emphasizing the critical importance of active, involved, committed and responsible fatherhood. THANKS FOR LISTENING and may GOD BLESS the spirits of both Michael Jackson and Gary Coleman and prayerfully they are enjoying the relationship with the Ultimate and Heavenly Father!

The Death of a TV Character: The Dignified African-American Working Class Father

2010-06-19T11:32:00.000-07:00

June 17, 2010
By Dr. Janice Kelly and Kenneth Braswell

Last month was the finale of ‘Everybody Hates Chris,’ as I reflect back we realized that Julius Rock played by Terry Crews reminded me of a familiar TV character from my youth, James Evans the father on Good Times (played by John Amos). Before we identify the differences between the two characters in terms of parenting style, we want to explain why we said it is the end of a TV character. Since the 1950s we had a number of working class fathers on television, but as the years went on we saw less and less images on television of the working class father who played the strong, hard-working, determined and dignified character.

Frequently blue collar fathers on television are seen as incompetent or as buffoons. Both James Evans and Julius Rock were not the prototypical working class fathers on family situational comedy. These fathers were anything but inept, rarely were they the center of the humor or acted as if they were one of the children. No, these two fathers bought dignity to the working class father. This is not to say that the shows did not have their share of humor, they did, but the fathers were not concern with making their audience laugh. One might hesitate to say that about the fathers on The House of Payne, The Browns, Family Guy or The Simpsons.

For the past 50 years, the entertainment industry has tarnished the image of working class fathers and some media critics have said this was intentionally done so that TV viewers would subconsciously strive for middle class values and occupations. Yet, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics 45% of Americans are working class and as the middle class continues to shrink we will see more families identified under this label. 16.9% of African-Americans and 17.92 of Hispanic families are unemployed so to see a father trying to struggle for employment as James Evans did or watch Julius work at times work two jobs isn’t a stretch of the imagination. 34% of Americans are finding the need to work a second part-time job in order to make ends meet.

These fathers showed their concern for the survival and stability of their families as well as real frustration of trying to remain employed or seeking out employment. These shows made us understand the struggles of our urban fathers better as they came home from being emotionally abused by the system. James Evans so clearly expressed these pains of masculine pride in a number of his episodes. Even Julius was often concerned with how he was going to pay his bills with just one job. Many working class fathers; and we might add; mothers find themselves having to compensate by adding on paper routes (for example).

There were some downsides to these characters as well, as you seldom saw them laugh and in more times than not, they walked around with a frown in comparison to middle class fathers like Damon Wayne’s character (Michael Kyle, “My Wife and Kids”) who seem to have more reason to laugh on the show.

But what distinguished James Evans from Julius Rock are their parenting styles. In the 1970s, it was the norm to see a character like James Evans who used authoritarian style of parenting. He expected absolute obedience and rules were non-negotiable. His children knew they had to obey him; evident by his famous line “because I say so.” He was the breadwinner and disciplinarian. Remember; all Mr. Evans had to do was grab or touch is belt and the children knew he meant business.

But this is not the case for Julius Rock, the gentle giant. His fathering style was a blend of democratic and authoritarian styles. Yes, he believed in enforcing the rules, but there was warmth and sensitivity behind his decisions. His voice was gentle most of the time and he explained the reasons for the punishment indicating the complexity and evolution of the blue collar Dad.

There is a lot to learn from these similar, yet contrasting urban fathers. Reasons that media and the broader public must find ways to honor and celebrate. As Terry Crews (aka Julius Rock) goes on to play a different type of dad on his new family show “Are We There Yet?” We celebrate and applaud his contribution to the new working class urban father. This new role is slightly different where he plays a somewhat goofy stepfather; we understand we can’t expect every show depicting fatherhood in urban families to be serious and stern. But we must always be mindful of who will be the next dignifying working class father representing fatherless families through the lenses of television?

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Dr. Janice Kelly is an assistant professor of communication and family research. Her research on A Comparison of Prime-Time Situation Comedy Fathers and Real-Fathers on Involvement, Communication and Affection has appeared in USA Today, Big Apple Parenting Magazine and other family-oriented conferences. She is the co-producer along with N.Y.S. Fatherhood Initiative of the documentary "Perceptions of Fathers in the Media: In Search of the Ideal Father."

Mr. Kenneth Braswell is the author of “When the Tear Won’t Fall” One Man’s Journey through the Intimate Struggle of Manhood and Fatherhood. He is also a national expert and sought after speaker in the field of Responsible Fatherhood, Mentoring, Parenting, Spirituality, Motivation/Self Improvement and Community Development. Mr. Braswell as appeared in Essence, Gospel Today, Capital District Parent Pages, Times Union and several other media outlets.

Why Celebrate Fatherhood?

2010-05-29T07:45:00.000-07:00

30 Daddy Dayz of notes, quotes and videos: Inspiring the Beauty of Fatherhood

By Kenneth Braswell
Executive Director of Fathers Incorporated

One of my favorite African proverbs explains the foundation for the celebration of fatherhood; “For the sake of the Rose the Thorn is watered too!” This morning over 24 million children woke up without their biological fathers in the home. Many of them will wake up the rest of their lives never seeing their fathers or knowing who they are. Rather, they will wonder where he is and why he does not care. We as adult cynics can debate why we should care. However, in the grand scheme of things, whether it “matters” is not about us but about our children, because they DO care.

Repeatedly statistics document the devastating effect a father’s absence can have on children. As adults, we may try to fool ourselves into believing it ends there. It doesn’t. The sarcasm about fatherhood that we display is sometimes a result of our own unresolved issues with our fathers or, for single mothers, with the fathers of their children. Those issues must be resolved. I am tired of complaining, whining and wanting people to feel sorry about my lack of relationship with my father.

Many people can’t handle the concept of responsible fatherhood. However, that will not stop me from raising the issue. Think of it this way: no one wants to go to a vacation destination that routinely gets bad reviews. But, if you have a stake in the destination, believe in it enough to rebuild and reimage it, then you can encourage people to visit this resort. Because of your effort and integrity you will know that their experience will be different. The destination was never the problem; its condition was.

Similarly, we have a stake in Fatherhood that demands our attention. If you are simply a complainer, then your contribution will be extremely limited. However, if you are someone with genuine concerns, believing that GOD desires the restoration of our families, then you will understand why we should encourage fathers, require accountability from them, and ultimately celebrate fatherhood.

I would love to wake up tomorrow morning singing Kumbaya, walk off into the sunset and speak only of parenthood. But, quite frankly, we are not ready for that as a society. If we were, we would have been speaking about it a long time ago. We are distrustful of fatherhood and comfortable with motherhood, which is why this debate raises its head in June and not in May. We understand all the reasons why! We do not condone naïveté which ignores the fact that many fathers have not held up their end of parenting responsibilities. Some acts (including abandonment, abuse and neglect) are downright despicable, but many fathers are trying to fulfill the expectation of being a responsible father in the lives of their children.

Among other reasons, this is an important reason why we must begin to elevate our expectation of responsible fatherhood. Beginning June 1st, Fathers Incorporated will encourage fatherhood with “30 Daddy Dayz of notes, quotes and videos: Inspiring the Beauty of Fatherhood.” Please visit our website or become our fan at www.facebook.com/fathersincorporated throughout June. It is our intention to provide daily quotes, weekly notes and occasional videos. We welcome you to share your stories, pictures, thoughts and comments about how we can inspire men by highlighting the beauty of fatherhood. We are praying to create an experience that will change or further encourage your heart about Fatherhood.

Be Honest: Are you afraid of your Purpose?

2010-05-11T19:03:00.001-07:00

[youtube]www.youtube.com/kennethbraswell[/youtube]

In the Book of Exodus; the scripture describes the activity of the last plague by saying, “and darkness covered the earth.” Each time I’ve heard someone preach about this particular passage, the word “darkness” is always emphasized. However, I believe the power in this parable is in the word; “covered.” To validate my point, I searched the word, “cover” in the online version of Webster’s dictionary. The word “cover” has thirty (30) different variations of definition, to include: to be or serve as a covering for; extend over; rest on the surface of; to place something over or upon for protection, concealment, or warmth; to hide from view; to suffice, to defray or meet (a charge, expense, etc.); and to achieve in distance traversed. In addition the word “cover” can be used as either a verb or noun.

The most intriguing and metaphoric use of the word is when we use it to describe protection; yet it has other popular uses. Police use it in battle by saying, “cover me.” Moochers use it to avoid paying bills by saying, “can you cover me?” In the chill of the night, we say it on our significant others by saying, “you’re hogging all the covers.” In church, we hear it often when referring to the covering of the Holy Spirit.

In addition to its definitions and usages, I believe there are two manifestations of cover. One; describes how it can be overshadowing in the sense that it can cover you, yet your identity is still recognized. The other is an ALL consuming cover that masks who and what you are. The latter kind of cover causes your identity to be unknown. An example; a lie only covers the truth; it doesn’t change it. Gossip only embellishes the truth and slander only twists the truth. None of it changes the truth. It is what it is.

Purpose can metaphorically be compared to “cover.” When you begin to take on life with purpose, you are consumed by the kind of cover that literally transforms you. You life begins to take on new meaning. This is what happens when you recognized and engage your purpose. A purposefully life transforms the essence of who you are. It confuses those who don’t understand the process of an intentionally focused life. It is best seen when Christians give their life to Christ (and, I might add, lead a Christ-like life). I have said in the past; “Thank God for who I am; if you’re looking for who I was; he doesn’t live here anymore.”

Many of us are frighten by things we aren’t comfortable with in our environment. Thus, change is scary and the thought of success is feared. Moving by faith is not for the faint at heart. God commands us to, “Get ready; be prepared! Keep all the armies around you mobilized, and take command of them” (Ezekiel 38:7). Taking big leaps of faith aren’t part of our human make up; which is why the kind of cover is important to your purposeful transformation. However, your spiritual make up and faith in that which covers you should be enough to drive you to purpose with divine vigor. When we sleep at night we have faith that the kind of cover we choose will keep us warm at night in case of a change in temperature.

“The Lord will be our Mighty One. He will be like a wide river of protection that no enemy can cross, that no enemy ship can sail upon” (Isaiah 33:21). What kind of cover are you using when life gets HOT? When the heat of your life makes you uncomfortable do you have the faith in your cover to transform how you are equipped to handle the changes in your environment? Do you have an answer the shines through your actions and confirms that your cover is sufficient for the purpose of your life? “My God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. He is my refuge, my savior, the one who saves me from violence” (Samuel 22:3). WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

Copyright 2010© All Rights Reserved
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Mr. Braswell is the author of “When the Tear Won’t Fall” One Man’s Journey through the Intimate Struggle of Manhood and Fatherhood. He is also a national expert and sought after speaker in the field of Responsible Fatherhood, Mentoring, Parenting, Spirituality, Motivation/Self Improvement and Community Development. His new book “Gentle Warriors – A Mentorship Guide for Young Males” is available now. Mr. Braswell as appeared in Essence, Gospel Today, Capital District Parent Pages, Times Union and several other media outlets. For press comments call Tracy Brown at 518-779-6007 (publicist); speaking requests call Signature Media Group at (312) 226-5552, for book purchase visit www.kennethbraswell.com or email me at kenneth.braswell@gmail.com.

The Big Picture – Why You Must See What Hasn’t Happened!

2010-04-15T21:56:00.000-07:00

By Kenneth Braswell

For the last year, I’ve been toying with this concept of Next-Level Thinking. I’ve spent a lot of time practicing it and observing those who consciously or subconsciously understand the concept. In a nut shell; it’s the ability to exist in the moment while living in your destiny. It is my contention that in this very moment, we are living in a destiny materialized by something we’ve done in the past. So the notion of living in the moment really has no relevancy, because your moment is defined by something you’ve done in the past. One might surmised that destiny is a moving state of reality.

A few months ago, my daughter and I were in a car accident (not a bad one). As a result of the accident, the front side of my car was smashed. Strangely enough; I saw it coming. As my daughter and I waited at a light; and engaged in a conversation, I noticed a car backing up. Typically, you would blow your horn, yell, anything to get the attention of the person driving the car. However, as I watched her continue to back up, several things went through my mind. The first; she was somewhat far away from me. Secondly; knowing she was backing up into one of the busiest roads in Albany, I couldn’t fathom the thought that she wasn’t looking back. Thirdly, there was a lane between her and I. And lastly, there was nobody behind me.
All of this occurred because my mind was processing the big picture. Yet, my body wouldn’t react, because I was caught up in the moment. Thus all of the signals I received to back up in caution never made it from my brain to my gas petal. The end result was she slammed right into my car and I watched the whole thing happen.

We often get caught up in our lives that way. We assess the big picture of our lives; yet, so many distracting elements prevent us from getting out of the way of our paralyzed state. I believe next level thinking allows you to anticipate your moment of destiny. It gives you the ability to quickly see when the actions of your moment could jeopardize something that is divinely ordered to occur in your life. I believe that the car accident was nothing more than an indication to me that it’s not just good enough to know; you have to do something about it.

The state of our communities is in dire straits. Our predecessors are worn-out out, our leadership landscape is fragmented at best, and as a result, our children are hopelessly lost and unprotected; with few exceptions. As the saying goes; “The hand writing is on the wall.” Being able to think in next-level concepts will be the only way to turn the overall state of our families and communities around. IT STARTS WITH YOU – because we MUST be able to tell when an issue is bigger than us.

How can a man live in poverty, but exist in prosperity? When does your dream, begin to exceed your reality? How can the small existence of one person; bless a multitude of people? You possess the ability to move mountains, if you believe you can stand amongst them. You have the spiritual capacity to live between the stars, if you consider that to be your rightful place. A generation of children can experience the power of their stewards, if we can believe in new and awesome destinies. Visionary concepts and courageous action will be the traits needed to think in a way we’re not comfortable. It’s not an unachievable notion to elevate ourselves to higher expectations.

Your ultimate destiny is on another level. The only way you will reach it, is to think, act and believe that you can.

Copyright 2010© All Rights Reserved
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Mr. Braswell is the author of “When The Tear Won’t Fall” One Man’s Journey through the Intimate Struggle of Manhood and Fatherhood. He is also a national expert in the field of Responsible Fatherhood and Community Development. His new book “Gentle Warriors – A Mentorship Guide for Young Males” is available now. Mr. Braswell as appeared in Essence, Gospel Today, Capital District Parent Pages, Times Union and several other media outlets. For press comments, feedback, speaking requests, book purchase visit www.kennethbraswell.com or email me at kenneth.braswell@gmail.com.

Are you a Hero or a Superhero?

2010-01-30T13:08:00.000-08:00

By Kenneth Braswell (www.kennethbraswell.com)

I had a conversation with a friend that led me to think about my work, life and what I’m up against as I go beyond normal gestures of kindness to extraordinary acts of blessing. You see; many of us do the things we do, because we have an anointing or an intrinsic passion to do right by people. Others do; because it’s simply what they do or what they’re paid to do?

When I was in elementary school and Jr. High School in Brooklyn, I had two people in each that just simply did not like me. I didn’t know why; I had never done anything to them; but for some reason, I was their chosen person to pick on. So, like all of us, I could not wait to get into High School, so I could leave both Timothy and James in my rear view mirror. I made it through High School, but low and behold I get into the military and there’s Stubblefield; waiting on me. For some odd reason, all of his comedic material was on me. It was like he sat up at night coming up with new ways to talk about me. We never came to blows, because in our culture; you’re suppose to take a joke. Unless, of course he said something about my momma; but he never did. Even though we were in the military; at 18; we were still children. Now, adults are more conniving and sneaky about how they pick on others through gossip and slander. In fact, more conscience about how far we will go; because we’re clear about the line we can’t cross.

Well here I am; today; a grown “big A”, “double S” man, in a conversation with a friend as she informs me about someone who; for reasons I can’t phantom, continues to have really nasty things to say about me. So, being the Christian man I am; I prayed about it. That’s best; because what Kenny Braswell (circa 2000) would have done; would have been much different; I haven’t always been saved; and even now; God is still working on me. Anywho; like always; God answered my pray. Here’s what he said, “Kenny, every superhero needs an arch enemy.” Hmmmmmm; I meditated on that and in a way that only God knows how to help me understand; he said this.

Heroes become heroes through circumstantial occurrence. “What do you mean by this God?” I said. Example: A guy is standing on the train platform and somebody falls onto the tracks. He’s clear that the person needs help; but helping could be dangerous. Even cost him is own life; but he jumps down; rescues the person; both are safe and we recognize that he has performed a random act of kindness; above and beyond his normal call. He’s a hero and heroes are great; we love them and we need them. But being a hero is NOT his calling. Thus being a hero defines less about who you are; and more about a random act you did. In many situations; given the same chance to be a hero; many would choose not to.

Batman creates a relationship with Gotham City Commissioner of Police; Superman becomes a reporter for the Daily Planet; Spiderman is a photographer for the Daily Bugle. Even as a shoeshine boy; Underdog places himself on a street corner. Martin Luther King Jr. went to the most racist situations of his time and Jesus went to his accusers. Superheroes!

Superheroes place themselves in the line of dangerous fire. They anticipate problems with an eye toward being a part of the solution. Superheroes don’t wait to be called; they call. They lead, not follow. We watch fictional superheroes and laugh at what we perceive to be their ridiculous and impossible ways of solving problems. Yet I grew up emulating Batman’s preparedness of having the right spray on his utility belt for any occasion. If he was in the ocean, he had shark repellant spray; if he was tied up; he had rope dissolve spray. He was prepared because a superhero was what he was and heroism was what he did.

Our communities and children need Superheroes in their lives. Our communities seek people who are willing to stand in the gaps of poverty, oppression and despair. We need adults, parents, teachers, social workers and community of faith that will go where trouble exists and resides. We need superheroes that will not worry about what people say about their actions, but how others will benefit from their actions.

Now let’s be clear; there is nothing wrong with being just a hero. Your humanity should encourage you to respond to need; no matter how dangerous it may be for you. But we need more superheroes to position themselves in the line of danger. You ever notice that when a policeman or firefighter saves a life and the public calls them heroes; that at the ceremony, they don’t have much to say but; “that’s what I do.” Heroism is not out of the ordinary for a superhero. They expect it of themselves to do for people what others won’t.

Where are you positioned? Is there a friend or family member needing you to stand in the gap of their need, but you’re on the sidelines having no intention of helping. Are you a hero or a superhero? Heroes save by chance; superheroes save by choice. “With great power, comes great responsibility” – Spiderman’s Uncle Ben…AND…opposition! (See my next note – “Every Superhero Has An Arch Enemy”)

Kenneth Braswell

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Mr. Braswell is the author of “When The Tear Won’t Fall” One Man’s Journey through the Intimate Struggle of Manhood and Fatherhood. He is also a national expert in the field of Responsible Fatherhood and Community Development. His new book “Gentle Warriors – A Mentorship Guide for Young Males” is due February 2010. Mr. Braswell as appeared in Essence, Gospel Today, Capital District Parent Pages, Times Union and several other media outlets. For press comments, feedback, speaking requests, book purchase visit www.kennethbraswell.com or email me at kenneth.braswell@gmail.com. Also visit my blog at www.virtualdaddytalk.blogspot.com

No Mothers Allowed

2009-12-05T11:19:00.000-08:00

By Kenneth Braswell (www.kennethbraswell.com)

So if you have not already imagined, the title was just to get your attention! Now that I have it, I’d like to have a conversation about how great you are. You need to know from at least one father your persistence, dedication and hard work is not unnoticed. Also, although I don’t know what it feels like to be a mother, I do know some things. If it wasn’t for my mother, I would know nothing about you. If it wasn’t for the mother’s of my children; I would know even less. Much of what men know about women, we’ve learned from our interaction with you. Contrastingly, much of what we know about men, we’ve also learned through the interaction with women. I’m clear that there are some that would say, “What wrong with that.” I would submit to you there is a lot wrong with that.

I was struck by a flyer that came across my desk the other day for a fatherhood program, to which it encouraged men to attend parenting classes to learn more about child development. Under the title read the words, “mother can come too.” I thought to myself, why? I understand that the recent over emphasis of fathers must sound on some levels very bias to some and threatening to others. But I submit to you that this is not the intention; many women/mothers welcome the idea of men seeking support and services.

For years our society has focused on the development and capacity building of mothers. And for as much as we would like to believe that it’s a man’s world; its not! Maybe for certain men, Black and Latino men not included. In recent times I’ve heard an increasing chorus of women commend men for stepping up to the plate in an effort to own up to their responsibilities. While others have simply shrugged their shoulders and said, “It’s about time.” Nobody is denying the fact that there are many fathers in our society that have failed in their responsibility to be conscientious fathers. However it critical to note that there are many men doing the right thing without be told or encouraged. That being said; for the others, it is unacceptable to then chastise them for trying; the “time” to do right has to come at some point. Based on history and experience we know that enlightenment comes for different people at difference time. In addition, think about it; when our children fail at something, we don’t then punish them when they get it right. Getting it right should come with praise not punishment.

So, where am I going with this? Just as there are times that women must learn from each other without interference of men, so too do men without women. Remember, this isn’t an action in an attempt to get further from you like golf lessons or hanging out with the boys. This is an act of responsibility in the effort of getting closer. And sometimes we have to do that in our own space.

I called the group putting on the workshops and asked why they were allowing moms to come to a fatherhood workshop and they said, “Because we didn’t want to deal with the complaints of mothers who felt they should be able to attend.” I said to them, in all the years I’ve been in this work, I have never run across a mother who didn’t understand why it was necessary to give men the space that needed to get this parenting thing right. Clear headed and reasonable mothers understand that this is not an attempt at exclusion in the class, but an attempt at inclusion in the family. Mothers get it; they really do!

So if you are running a fatherhood group and struggling with this, please find comfort in knowing that mothers are trilled that men are finally pushing, training, supporting, making accountable and encouraging fathers to seek and engage in support and services. Be open and honest with mothers, I truly believe that’s all they ask for. You can even help them find workshops and resources that work specifically with mothers. They are all over the place. So, I’m not saying don’t help, I’m saying be more defined and purposeful in your assistance.

There is an appropriate time to hang a “Do not disturb” sign on the door. This could be one of them. As a mother and practitioner, if we have to sacrifice one door being closed, let it be the one to appropriate fatherhood training, not the one to your child’s life. I encourage you, if you must; go to the graduation and celebrate the emergence of better equipped parents, particularly fathers. We desperately need that kind of help, support and encouragement. So, if you are a supportive mother, please let these fathers and service providers know that you understand; I welcome all comments; even the disagreed.

Kenneth Braswell
Copyright 2009© All Rights Reserved

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Mr. Braswell is the author of “When The Tear Won’t Fall” One Man’s Journey through the Intimate Struggle of Manhood and Fatherhood. He is also a national expert in the field of Responsible Fatherhood and Community Development. His new book “Gentle Warriors – A Mentorship Guide for Young Males” is due January 2010. Mr. Braswell as appeared in Essence, Gospel Today, Capital District Parent Pages, Times Union and several other media outlets. For press comments, feedback, speaking requests, book purchase visit www.kennethbraswell.com or email me at kenneth.braswell@gmail.com. Also visit my blog at www.virtualdaddytalk.blogspot.com

My Teenager Can’t Enjoy Being A Teenager!

2009-11-03T06:49:00.000-08:00

by Kenneth Braswell

On Saturday night while I was doing a little work; as I usually do, I was watching the clock and waiting for 12:30 to go and pick my daughter up from a party. She’s 16. It’s the age where she’s not quite an adult, but as parents we have to begin loosening up a bit, because in short order she’ll be 18. The celebratory age for us as parents; because she should be well on her way out to college. This joyous occasion will make those years between 16-18 years of age worth the headaches from her attitude, the stress from her wanting to be more independent and the worrying from being out on a Friday and Saturday night. It is the time in her life where we expect and want her to be young and experience the growing pains of youth. In fact, enjoy a time that she will look back on the rest of her life.

Well on this night she and her best friend ventured out to a teen Halloween party. Harmless enough right? Uneventful at least until our phone rang at about 11:30 to hear our daughter asking me to come and get her because a fight broke out at the party and someone was stabbed. Upon arriving at the scene, I was greeted by scores of police cars, ambulances and many concerned parents.

While I was relieved to get my daughter and her friend safely into the car, I was quite disturbed by several parents who arrived wanting to find teenagers to fight themselves. I shutter to thing that this may be the normal weekend course of parents across the country. My “Old School” won’t allow me to understand the behavior of these grown a$$ parents. For a few moments I sat in the car watching this craziness take place. I struggled with coming to grips with the reality that I was not in Brooklyn or Albany (circa 1970). It began abundantly clear that this might just be a different era.

As I glared into the sea of flashing lights, parents screaming and chaotic movement, I couldn’t help but notice one evident visual. Out of the over 50 parents I saw that evening, there was only a handful of men. I couldn’t help but wonder where in the Hell were the fathers of these children? I just couldn’t imagine me sitting up in my house watching TV, while Tracy was out getting our daughter from this kind of situation. Painfully, I knew the answer to that question, but I struggled to accept it. I also couldn’t help but think that maybe if there was a caring father in the lives of these kids they wouldn’t be out on the weekend wilding out.

Our unconceivable reality is that, at parties; in our neighborhoods; at school; and on the corners of our communities; these kids are shooting and stabbing each other for absolutely nothing. And while I want to acknowledge that this kind of behavior happens in rural and urban schools; it is highly more likely to happen when our teenagers are black and brown.

As my daughter and I were driving home, we talked about the events of the night. To my surprised my daughter says to me; “I guess I won’t be going to anymore parties.” I didn’t quickly respond because, while many would agree with her assessment and I too would agree; I couldn’t help but be saddened by hearing her say that. I even believe it hurt me more hearing it, than her saying it. Here’s why? As a teenager I can’t surmise a situation when I was growing up, when I would have uttered those words. I can look back at my years between 16-18 years old and remember all of the great times I had being a teenager. Because of this violent teen culture, our teenagers today might not be able to do that.

On Sunday I purchased the paper to see if they had reported anything about the fight. Even though I did not see anything about that one, there were several other parties where kids were stabbed or shot that evening. Are we supposed to keep our teens locked up or roll very dangerous dice each time we allow our children to enjoy their youth? If she was a difficult child, it would be very easy to ground her for 2 years, but she’s not. She’s a good kid who deserves to be out with her friends, have a good time, and not have to worry about guns blazing.

Our society is rapidly spiraling out of control and unfortunately our children are suffering directly from the broken state of our families. This parenting, single mother, responsible fatherhood and healthy relationship work is a critical work. It is needed at a time when mothers and fathers are finding difficulty in negotiating common ground. It is needed at a time when our youth are looking for direction, discipline, hope and example. Unfortunately it’s at a time when the parental needs for services are greater than our organizational resources or the political desire.

It is a concerning matter for me, because I got two more children to go. I’m certain it is a concerning matter for parents who desire that their teenagers have fun, yet are serious about life. The problem with bullets is they rarely have names of them. The problem with knives is, even when you pull it out, the damage is already done. The problem with youth (sometimes) is it is wasted on the young.

For me and Tracy, we are going to keep trying to keep our children safe from all hurt, harm and danger without keeping her on permanent lockdown. While we may want her to enjoy her teenhood, unfortunately it will be much more difficult to say “yes” and a much greater necessity to say “no.”

Single Mothers; Hold on – Change is Coming!

2009-11-01T09:33:00.000-08:00

By Kenneth Braswell

I was born by the river in a little tent

Oh and just like the river I've been running ever since

It's been a long, a long time coming

But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

These lyrics were made famous by Sam Cooke in 1964 during the height of the Civil Rights Movement. The song spoke of a time when life was hard and unequal for Blacks in America. Now, some 45 years later the lyrics still resonate in the struggle of communities where joblessness, homelessness, educationlessness, healthlessness and other “lessness’s” plague our families. However no “lessness” has been more devastating to our community, families and children than fatherlessness.

This song and others served as a beacon of hope for people, who believe that if we could just hold on to our faith, dignity, pride, composure, patience, and common sense, that we might eventually find ourselves in a world, not perfect; but one that would provide opportunities for Black people to thrive. Therefore our leaders in the 60’s understood the amount of present work, needed for future results.

Today we look at the disturbing landscape of African American and Latino families and wonder if as a result of their work, our civil rights leaders would ever believe that 24 million children would wake up each morning absent their biological father. I wonder if they knew that at the dawn of a new decade the amount of single mothers would reach 3.4 million in 1970 and by 2009 the number would balloon to 9.8 million single mothers living with children younger than 18 years of age. This is just the statistical burden we bear. The reality is our children are losing a terrible game of life.

We know (and people may not want to hear) that in order to turn this trend around, we are going to have to find a way to engage fathers back into the life’s of their children. Many of us are on the verge of some tremendous work with men who are trying their best to get their acts together. These fathers have committed to the idea of asking for support and services. Men who against the odds of family court, child support systems, incarceration, unemployment, physical and mental health issues are pushing through for the sake of their children.

At the same time, we know not all things are perfect. While we are making strives with many men, there are still men who are not carrying their load. Men who still prey on our young girls (raising teenage pregnancy rates), dodging child support, ignoring parent responsibilities; quite frankly, just not giving and damn one way or the other. If we keep working long enough eventually we’ll get to them too, but it will take REAL MEN to get it done. Responsive and responsible men who aren’t afraid to roll up his sleeves to make his friend accountable for not taking care of their business. Mentors who can find time to stop for a moment in their busy schedules and reach out to a single mother struggling to raise a boy (and girl), who by all accounts is giving the mother HELL! Mother’s we’ve heard your cry. We’ve heard your frustration. We know you’ve heard it all before and we know you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired.

As my good friend David Miller (Raising Him Alone - http://www.raisinghimalone.com/) said to me; we can turn this thing around if we get focused, take responsibility and act like we give a damn about somebody else besides ourselves. There is a movement of men, who care deeply for the plight of our single moms. It’s easy for us to give you an answer to your problem; the challenge will be; helping you gain resolution to trying to be both Father and Mother to a child who clearly needs both.

We can’t imagine your pain and anguish in trying to raise a child without a father. Many of us are products of the same situation. So while we can’t share your experience, we have had an intimate relationship with the hardship. Our jails and cemeteries are full of us. The rest of us are trying to learn from the mistakes of our fathers; either by being good fathers and family men or by trying to finds ways through our work to help alleviate your struggle.

So as Sam Cooke so eloquently sung; “It's been a long, a long time coming; But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will”

Kenneth Braswell Copyright 2009© All Rights Reserved
--------------------------------------------------For comments, feedback, speaking requests, purchase my book and other information: visit http://www.kennethbraswell.com/ or email me at kennethbraswell@gmail.com. Please support my book “When The Tear Won’t Fall” One Man’s Journey through the Intimate Struggle of Manhood and Fatherhood. Also visit our blog at http://www.virtualdaddytalk.blogspot.com/

I Love to Hear a Great Daddy Story!

2009-09-11T16:09:00.000-07:00

By Kenneth Braswell
Author, “When The Tear Won’t Fall”

http://www.kennethbraswell.com/

In order for healing to occur, stories of pain must be replaced by similar stories of progress, hope and triumph. For many of us it’s difficult to make this transition. Tragically, our identity is attached and defined by the existence our pain. If you have read my writings about the issues of fatherlessness, you will hear the pain I feel in not being able to tell a great father story. Not a story that I can attribute to my being a father, but one that can be told of my own father.

However, one of the awesome things I often hear when telling my story of fatherlessness is the counter story of “fatherfullness.” (new word; I just made up.) It describes a state of being full of “father.”

(Reality Point); contrary to popular belief, there are a lot more men being great fathers; than not.

The impressionable stories of these men (fathers) are told by children young and old. They speak of the invaluable contribution and influence they’ve made in the lives of their children. Such stories are told in books like “Daughters of Men” by Rachel Vassel. The impact of others are told and seen on public display like Bill Cosby, Hill Harper, Allan Houston, Shaq and many more.

For me, it isn’t just the substance of the narrative; but the passion of its delivery. You see, I’ve heard and even told loving stories of mothers. But, when you hear great father stories, they are often told with a defensiveness or protective tone. It is as if the orator is convincing you to believe its truth or desperately trying to proof its integrity. These great stories are both relevant and confirming. As a result of the increasing conversation regarding fatherlessness, these stories are finding more opportunities to be shared as a testament to the legions of men (fathers) doing the right thing.

I believe we benefit greatly from shared experiences. Yet it is the inspirational glows that illuminate from the stories of others that blaze a path to new personal perspectives. Often, it even encourages us to search for a new reality. Our tales of fatherlessness should be heard with seriousness. In addition, the incredible tales of fathers who brighten the lives of their children is owed the same level of merit. We crave to hear them; we even desire to be them.

So, if you are a child of a father holding in a great story; I offer these suggestions:

Be Encouraged to Lift-up Your Great Father
Keep telling the stories of your great fatherhood experience. You don’t have to compete with the stories of fatherlessness. Those stories have there place, but there is a relevant place in the encouraging tales of men being the best fathers they can be.

We Need Balanced Fatherhood Images
Media should be at the forefront of exposing the images of responsible fatherhood. Movies, commercials, sitcoms and reality shows are beginning to get it right, but they have a long way to go. Men will tell you of the great power of the TV. remote control. Legend has it, that it can change the images you view and even make them disappear. We should use this power to restore the balance of family dynamics and the impression of the positive impact of fathers.

Be a Testament to a Great Father
Ugly ties, cheap cologne and slippers are weak expressions of the invaluable contribution a father can make. However it is in what you say to others about your father that will last and have a greater impact than any gift you can possibly muster. I am encouraged to be a better father when I hear the awesome stories of great fatherhood. Especially when I see its product and results.

Don’t Let a Day of Thanks go by…
If your Dad is physically here on earth or spiritually resting in the heavens; don’t miss a moment to let him know the valuable affect he’s had on your life. Great parenting, but more specifically, great mothering and fathering should be celebrated with vigor. It is the ultimate job.

Imperfect Process; Perfect Purpose
Help us understand through your story that great fatherhood isn’t derived from a perfect path. As we hear your father’s story of consistency, compassion, presence and love we need to know that it wasn’t easy and without flaws. Confirm for us that great fatherhood is somewhere in the middle of a perfect and imperfect family paradigm.

We honor those good men that provide us with great and not-so-perfect models of fatherhood. Your children are a testament to your efforts and in our psyche and hearts, you too, should and deserve to have a place for your story to be told.

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Kenneth Braswell is a nationally renowned expert on Responsible Fatherhood and Family Development. His work in community development and activism spans over 20 years. For comments, feedback, speaking requests, purchase my book and other information: visit http://www.kennethbraswell.com/ or email me at kennethbraswell@gmail.com. Please support my book “When The Tear Won’t Fall” One Man’s Journey through the Intimate Struggle of Manhood and Fatherhood. Copyright 2009© All Rights Reserved

Manners Revisited: Yes, Maam! Huh????

2009-09-11T16:01:00.000-07:00

By Kenneth Braswell
Author, “When The Tear Won’t Fall”

http://www.kennethbraswell.com/

It has been a minute since I last wrote about the lost morality of traditional manners. As I watch the deterioration of families I often wonder what happened to those simple rules of behavior. The teaching of manners transcends mothers and fathers, but lie in the responsibility of the village to which they belong. These rules in general teach a level of respect between children and adults, but more often between males/females. In notes past I’ve written about what side of the street men should walk on with women, hold the door and to tip or not.

Recently I had the experience of spending the morning in a New York City court. The oddity of it all is that I was there for driving without having my license, which in NY is a criminal offense. This sets the backdrop for what I witnessed as a conflicting behavior given where I was. Although others were there for a variety of other things like assault, other driving offenses, judgments, parole violations and warrants, I couldn’t help but notice a behavior I’d never expected.

The first time that day I heard a young man say “yes maam,” I was on the elevator, when a women asked, “if she was on the right floor.” Now to me, that wasn’t out of the ordinary, because while I was growing up it was a term commonly used as a show of respect to women. Particularly if you had southern roots and spent any significant amount of time around elderly or church women. I also know that it is a term often used to informally address female judges. Yet I heard it ALL MORNING as scores of men addressed law clerks, court officers, security guards, administrative personnel; any women in a position of authority within the court.

The other obvious observation was the racial disparity of those on the other side of authority. Mainly men and women of African American and Latino decent. Therein lies my conflict. Now on one hand, I am clear that both African American and Latinos are traditionally hard wired with this particularly term of respect. However, I monitor pop culture and I find it hard to believe that we still are. I watch how our girls are characterized in videos and rap songs. I see the behaviors of the young men and women in my home city of Albany and my birth city of Brooklyn. I am aware of elderly women that fear to walk the streets of their own communities.

Given just a few of these realities and examples, how could it be REMOTELY possible that these same men and women understand and adhere to a term in many respects dismissed in young circles? I am perplexed that given where I was, that such a term of such highly regarded respect was given to strangers, where the same level of respect is not given to the women in their own communities; maybe in their own families.

Help me understand this? For this note, my name is “Mr. Utterly Confused”

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Kenneth Braswell is a nationally renowned expert on Responsible Fatherhood and Family Development. His work in community development and activism spans over 20 years. For comments, feedback, speaking requests, purchase my book and other information: visit http://www.kennethbraswell.com/ or email me at kennethbraswell@gmail.com. Please support my book “When The Tear Won’t Fall” One Man’s Journey through the Intimate Struggle of Manhood and Fatherhood. Copyright 2009© All Rights Reserved

My Daddy Died; and so did MY Answers! How to Silence the Scream in Your Heart!

2009-08-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

By Kenneth Braswell
Author, “When The Tear Won’t Fall”

http://www.kennethbraswell.com/ and http://www.virtualdaddytalk.blogspot.com/

In Chapter 5 of my book, “When The Tear Won’t Fall” I wrote about some pivotal times in my life that included the meeting of my first wife and a meeting with my father. However, while I spoke in great detail about the time immediately preceding meeting him for the first time, I did not explore one critical event for me along the continuum from that meeting with my father to knowing for sure that I would never meet him on this earth again. That event was my father’s funeral. Moreover I concluded my retelling of my father/son experience by simply saying, “Sadly, the moment would never come, sometime later my father passed away.”

As so many of us will do when faced with an agonizing pain, we place it in a secure box in my mind so that it never has a chance to affect our life. But pain has a way of transmitting when you don’t work at its transformation. When our fathers, willingly choose not to be in our lives, we consciously and sub-consciously build resentment to the source of our pain. I believe, none greater can our resentment be, as it is when we lose a parent who hasn’t contributed emotionally to our well being.

I reveal in my book…”He left! He left this earth with the answers to all my questions. He left this earth with the things I needed to fill the void in my heart and soul. He left me in this world to always wonder who he was. He left me without any memories of being with him. There are no habits, sayings, sage advice, or skills that I could say I had learned from my dad. There had been no relationship and most importantly, there were NO TEARS. With him gone again, I would have no one to yell at but the empty hole he left in my heart…”

There is nothing more final than death; especially when it leaves behind bad or no endearing memories. I’ve spoken to so many people about this specific and shared event. It has resonated with so many of the book’s readers. Amazingly, everyone that has endured the experience of lying to rest their parents can relate to the pain of the loss. However, I believe equal to the pain of burying a loving, contributing and nurturing parent, is the pain of burying one that provided nothing but pain and unanswered questions.

In my book I also add…”He was my father and he owed me more. He left me a legacy that I would follow until I was mature enough to understand a better way. Because of it my baby, Tiarrah, would experience the same agony I did. Thank God, she and my other children will know more about me than what they read in my obituary…”

Based on my experience and what I’ve heard from my readers, I leave you these thoughts:

Read “When the Tear Won’t Fall”: I don’t have all the answers, but I have a story and perspective to share. I can’t tell you the date of my father’s birth or death, but I can tell you how it feels not to know. I pray in reading my book you find healing and blessing to the hidden story in you.

Give Your Heart the Opportunity to Say Good-bye: Even if you can’t find a way to attend the funeral or recognize that your father has past. Don’t search for an excuse not to go. One day your heart will ask you why you didn’t leave a comfortable space for it to say good-bye without having the resentment of knowing you didn’t physically give your respects. You never want “nothing” be the last thing you say to love one or the last thing your remember saying; especially one of the parental contributors to your very own existence. I went; didn’t want to, but one day my heart will want to reconcile and then say good-bye, when it does, I won’t have anything to regret.

Don’t allow your happiness to be buried with his body: There are a lot of things in your life that you may want to bury. Your happiness shouldn’t be one of them. His choice not to validate your existence is not your cross to bear. Take comfort in knowing that life is still ahead for you and that this experience will only make you a better person. The high ground is a hard ground, but it’s also a worthy ground.

So, the Family Doesn’t Know You, Don’t Let Them Define You Through Him: His family not knowing you is their issue to reconcile, not yours. An absent father will always have to reconcile his actions. So too, will an absent paternal family have to be accountable for not embracing your birthright. Find out what you need from them about your father, but don’t give up the control of your heart in exchange.

Pray, Pray, Pray: If you have belief in an almighty God, certainly you know that He has your answers. Wait for His answers and instructions. Your heart and brain with coach you into doing or saying a lot of things. But let Go and let God!

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Kenneth Braswell is a nationally renowned expert on Responsible Fatherhood and Family Development. His work in community development spans over 20 years. For comments, feedback, speaking requests, purchase my book and other information: visit http://www.kennethbraswell.com/ or email me at kennethbraswell@gmail.com. Please support my book “When The Tear Won’t Fall” One Man’s Journey through the Intimate Struggle of Manhood and Fatherhood. Copyright 2009© All Rights Reserved

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Is the Little Girl in You Still Missing Daddy’s Love?

2009-08-22T09:26:00.000-07:00

What Should You Know about the Search?

By Kenneth Braswell

This is a piece that I’ve been struggling to write for quite a while. It started some time ago when I wrote a piece that included an experience that I had where a little girl who was a complete stranger asked me “Are you my daddy?” In my profession I spend a great deal of my time trying to figure out the affect of fatherlessness on boys and men. It’s a comfortable, yet complex and difficult place to start because I am a man. In my continuing quest to reexamine my own life (as documented in my recent book, “When The Tear Won’t Fall”) I am still not at the point where I have made full sense of the impact of my own fatherlessness and the hole in my sole that resulted from his absence. Yet the 3 year long exercise of writing my book provided me (and may provide you if you read it) with the opportunity to observe intimate and quite painful aspects of that reality. The impacts of fatherlessness are quite tangible from a statistical perspective, but it’s the emotional piece that eludes our understanding and acceptance.

I spent this weekend (like many others) doing a fair amount of work, and squeezing my family in where I could throughout the process. It’s an ironic juggling feat, given what I know about fathers who are there, but aren’t there. The result of that realization is that I’ve become very methodical and deliberate about my fathering, despite my obsessive desire to provide more for my family than I had myself.

With the exception of my 7 month old son and 2 year old nephew, my environment is predominantly one of female family and friends who function within the paradigm of fatherlessness. This reality often evades me, but finds a way surface at moments when I least expect it. Two cases come to mind. Yesterday as I sat on a panel entitled “Why Men Fear Love and Commitment,” I looked out into the audience and realized that the room was full of women eager to know the very complex answer to a seemingly simple question. However, it was a different question that speaks to my point. That question was “Do Women Fear Love and Commitment?” That question provided me with the platform to highlight the difficulty that I suspect that women must have in wrapping their minds around the concepts of love and commitment. This, because the first man, their father, whose responsibility it was to love and commit to them abandoned, hurt, and/ or neglect them. As I spoke about it, the room got quiet and I couldn’t help but notice the tears that had begun to fall. It struck me, at that moment, that this work of exploring the impact of fatherlessness includes so many areas that need to be addressed, including the effects on girls and women. It was also in that moment that I was taken back to an earlier time in the day as I sat on the bench next to my oldest daughter, watching my grand-daughter play softball. I couldn’t help but think about the continuum of life and wonder, “where does that impact stop for our children?”

I saw the heart of little girls sitting within the bodies of grown women yesterday. It was painful because I also saw the hole it their souls that resembled the identical one that I have. I felt like, if I could have jumped in and filled it all at once, I would have. But I know that it will take time. I knew it and I am sure that each of those women knows it. That gift of enlightenment created a desire to eliminate every hole that has been created by a father who didn’t know that he was creating a frozen need that could never be filled in his child. But since I can’t, I want to share with you three suggestions that might help people begin to resolve the pain of wanting, yet not being able to know, how to maximize their functioning even in the face of past circumstances…and how not to perpetuate the dysfunction in an intergenerational way.

Take Time for Self-Discovery. The best thing that I ever did was write my book. It allowed me to see where I had taken the wrong road, and how things had affected my ability to make sound decisions regarding my manhood and fatherhood. Everybody won’t write their life’s story, but everyone can be introspective about their life. It can be a painful journey sometimes; however the discovery can be well worth the trip. I am still unlocking agonizing compartments of my life, even after writing 258 pages about it. As a result, I’m better able to figure some things out and, at the end of the day, I’m sure that I’m a better person for it and so will you be. You’re the mothers and fathers of our children. We need you healthy and sane.

Understand the concept of Arrested Development. The two biggest benefits that the traditional courtship of men and women provide are guidance and preparation. Cultural rites of passage ensure that adults participate in the transitioning of girls to women and boys to men. Somehow we’ve lost this critical aspect of dating and marriage. In the craziness of it all, our girls and boys have mistaken having sex as the ultimate and legitimizing “rite” of passage into adulthood. The problem is that, people who look to us physically like adult men and women are, in reality, still boys and girls emotionally. For many, their arrested societal development ill-equips them to function in successful relationships. Yet, we continue to have children within these dysfunctional states. Using an agricultural metaphor, you can’t receive full nourishment from crops that aren’t ripe. So asks the critical questions or design a test that works for you. My uncle used to tell me, you could tell the ripeness of a watermelon by the sound it makes when you pluck it. Now, I wouldn’t suggest you pluck him, but I do suggest that you find a way to see what’s on the inside, before you fall in love with the things on the outside

The Real Cure Attacks the Sickness; not just the Symptoms. Fatherlessness starts from many places: divorce, separation, broken homes, death, neglect and hardship. These are all core places that we can start from in addressing the myriad issues that fatherlessness causes. The symptoms look like teen pregnancy, gang involvement, multiple partner births, domestic violence, incarceration; etc., and have become the focus of work in the field of Responsible Fatherhood because multiple stressors involved with the underlying sickness of fatherlessness. As a result we are failing to stop the continuing pain of fatherlessness because we haven’t done enough work in identifying its true origin. Women who look for love from men, who for the most part don’t know how to return it, do so primarily to alleviate the impact of the many symptoms - in part because the sickness is too difficult to reconcile. Take a close look at the man that you choose, and make sure that he represents the best model of a responsible man, before you decide to partner with him in bringing another child into this world. If you do, and if he does, that can be the beginning of breaking the cycle of fatherlessness

If you are a woman who struggles with understanding the man you love or the ones desire to love, I encourage you to purchase my book, “When The Tear Won’t Fall,” One man’s Journey through the Intimate Struggles of Manhood and Fatherhood. I don’t have all the answers, but the book lays an excellent foundation for exploring a man’s mind. I promise that the book will be a healing and a blessing to what you don’t know about the hidden story in all of us. For more information and to purchase, go to http://www.kennethbraswell.com